After that last post, I felt like I need to write this: the missionary life does not always look like the “missionary life”. This is something I learned when I spent some time with full-time missionaries in Kosovo.
It was last year. I had just come from a three-month, intensive creative school where we learned how to use music, dance, and art in missions. It was an incredible time. Once we all graduated, we were sent to different countries in small groups to spend one month with full-time missionaries on the field and put into practice all that we learned.
My placement was Kosovo.
I fully expected to write a song while I was there, after all, that’s what I had been trained to do. I was also praying to meet at least one person there, lead them to Christ, and maybe even make some local friends.
I had many expectations but I wasn’t expecting the plan God had for me in Kosovo.
We were assigned to a missionary family from America. They had been there for two years already and had lots of experience in Kosovo. We had an orientation during the first week of our stay and they told us our job that week was simply to observe, take in the culture, get to know the area, learn some basic phrases in Albanian, and meet some people there. As our leader said, “Make this city your own.”
We did just that. We weren’t building houses or digging wells, but we learned the customs of the people and each of us began our separate journeys in this new country.
A week went by and yes, I observed and learned so much, but I couldn’t seem to write. For three months I had written a song per week, yet now I had no direction, no clarity, and I felt really frustrated. On top of that, I became sick. I had to stay home most days while everyone else got to go, connect more with the locals, and start some projects. The artists were given an opportunity to paint a mural in the city and the musicians helped out with worship at a local church. It seemed to me that everyone had a purpose during their time there, while I had none.
Why did God have me there if I couldn’t write songs or get to know people because I was stuck in bed?
I started getting up really early to pray. It wasn’t by choice really. I was sick and my body would wake up at 5:00 or 6:00 AM and I figured since I was up, I might as well go and pray. I would pray, ask God for direction, for a song, but eventually, I would run out things to pray for my life. My prayers would then turn into intercession for my team. When I ran out of things to pray for my team, my prayers would be for Kosovo and for the people.
After some days of this, God spoke to me so clearly and said prayer was my purpose. Prayer was my calling on this trip, to pray for my team and for Kosovo.
For the rest of the three weeks, I woke up every day and prayed for two hours in the morning for the things God put on my heart. And when everyone was gone and I was alone in the house, I would pray some more. The time with Him was so rich and at the end of the trip, I saw some prayers answered within my team. It was encouraging and though my purpose wasn’t what I expected, I believed I was doing what I was supposed to do.
Yet, let me tell you, it was also really hard sometimes because all around me I saw the members of my team doing “mission work”, and I had nothing to show for my time in Kosovo. I admit I wanted to be able to show pictures or video to people back home saying, “Look what I did for God!“. But what was I going to do, take a selfie while I’m praying?
It was humbling.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
During the last week, I was walking with one of the girls to meet with our leader’s wife for coffee. She was telling me how excited she was about her time there. I listened to her tell me how God gave her a song for Kosovo, how she met this guy, brought him to church and how he decided to follow Christ, and the friends she acquired there, and so on and so on.
Basically, everything I wanted to do, she got to do.
I would love to tell you I was fine, but listening to her made me feel so small. The lies began to come like, “What did I really do here? My team probably thinks I’m so lazy. I didn’t do anything. I couldn’t even write one song.”
We got to the coffee shop and my leader’s wife and the girl were talking and I just listened and drank my cappuccino, sighing in between sips. I finished my cup, looked inside, and I promise you I almost burst into tears right there. Not because I felt like a failure, but because God did something impossible and I wanted to laugh, dance, shout and cry at the same time.
God wrote, “I love you” in my coffee…
I realized it did not matter what I did or didn’t do, He loved me. God loved me so very much and was so pleased with me. He was with me. He heard my lament, He saw my tears, and yet, He wasn’t disappointed that I couldn’t do the things I was hoping to do. Nobody else saw what I did in the morning, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that He saw and He heard.
My leader taught us that missionary life doesn’t always look like “missionary life” because every day is about listening to God and asking Him what He wants to do that day. Some days we will be busy working, other days it will look like we are doing nothing except meeting a friend for coffee or praying alone in our room, and yet all of it is valuable in God’s sight. Our life as Christians is first and foremost about loving God and listening to Him, and from that relationship, loving the people He puts in our path.
We are a team, a body, living for one purpose, and for an audience of One.
It doesn’t matter whether I was the one writing the song, or someone else, what matters is that it was written, that someone did it, and we can celebrate what God accomplished through that person. I was called to pray on that trip, she was called to write, another was called to paint, and another to dance. We can all celebrate each other, and in no way should we judge one person as being more accomplished than the other just because of what we see on the outside. The Lord is looking at our heart and He sees what people do not see, and really, that’s all that matters.
Till the next adventure,
Katya
“The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we ought to love one another.” – 1 John 4:10-11
